Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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