I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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