Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
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ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
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can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.