the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
