I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
smell my finger.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
