i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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