you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
