He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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