drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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