Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
