I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
