I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
