does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
