now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
