see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
