2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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