This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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