A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
