You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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