Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
