I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
