put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.