the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
