i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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