I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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