When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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