This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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