My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
