I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
