"it" just moved
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
