apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
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I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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