Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
then he tried to convert me to islam
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
