I wish my penis had an off switch
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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