I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
