Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
