just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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