If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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