His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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