I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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