Got a toothbrush?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
