i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
