I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
