this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
