New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
