If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
