my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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