can we get nightvision for the apartment?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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