Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
