Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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