So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
