The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
