ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
