The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
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He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
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Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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