I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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