i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
