I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
