you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
