I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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