And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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